


found & lost

by lloftvlly



Category: Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, M/M, Other, Post-Killing School Life (Dangan Ronpa), Pre-Killing School Life (Dangan Ronpa), Psychological Horror, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23050261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lloftvlly/pseuds/lloftvlly
Summary: You, the Ultimate Empath, were scouted into joining class 77-B of Hope’s Peak Academy. But even with your super high school level empathy, it is a challenge to understand Nagito Komaeda, the Ultimate Lucky student with seemingly only one thing in mind: Hope.
Relationships: Komaeda Nagito/Hope, Komaeda Nagito/Reader
Comments: 61
Kudos: 165





	1. prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi, I have no idea how you stumbled here but happy you did! This is a work in progress and me trying to tip my toe back into fanfic writing, here's to hoping it will go well! But I don't wanna hold you up with long rambling either so I just wanted to thank you for reading and hope you enjoy! LMK what you think of this first chapter if you finish, that would be much appreciated! 
> 
> [Also just a small side note, I write the reader as a gender-neutral so everyone can imagine themselves into the reader's role regardless of gender. In this house, we don't exclude anyone. I hope leaving out of any gender-specific characteristics isn't anything that troubles anyone, but let me know if there's anything you don't like. ]

You took a deep breath and peered up at the huge building in front of you. Hope’s Peak academy. A school that would scout teenagers with ultimate abilities all across Japan to develop and research their talents and furthermore allow them to become the symbols of hope for future generations, or so they advertised it as.

You would be lying if you said you weren’t curious about finding out how it would play out to meet other Ultimates. So far, you didn't have chances to. After all, what were the odds to run into someone like that, being that Ultimates were scattered all across Japan and took up less than 0.1% of the population? What kind of talents would you meet here? You’ve heard of people with abilities such as Ultimate Basketball players, or Ultimate Hairdressers, even someone with the Ultimate talent of making people fall in love with them. There were talks about how there were Ultimate talents that could even be used for evil and that this was one reason why a place like Hope’s Peak Academy existed; to guide Ultimates, such as yourself, in the right direction.

You had met many people in your life who were fascinated by your super high school level ability. Some even said that it was beyond mighty to have your level of empathy. After all, you were able to read people like open books and this could be useful in so many imaginable scenarios. For example, you’d be able to tell when a person lied, no matter how good a liar they thought they were. You could see your parent's divorce coming before your parents even knew they no longer loved each other and therefore you were spared the shock of having to pack your bags and move to a different city once their divorce was final. That boy that bullied you for two years in elementary school? Yes, you knew from day one that he did it because he had a crush on you and didn’t know how to deal with it.

There was really only one downside to your ultimate talent, but it was a big one. Since you were constantly busy using your empathy to understand others, it was as though you never were able to find your own emotions and therefore you were detached from yourself and your own feelings. The times you felt happy, sad, angry or proud were never for yourself. They were always just the results of empathizing with the people around you. Thus, you never truly knew emotions on an intimate level, just as an observer. 

But that was fine... after all, you didn’t know how to feel sad about the lack of feeling emotions. _Fine._ That was the word described your life to a T. Every day was another type of fine. Not great, not bad, just... _fine._ Would that ever change? But even if it didn’t... “It’s fine..” you heard yourself sighing before you felt a strong strike against your back, causing you to lose balance and stumbling forward, falling right into something....kinda soft? You instinctively closed your eyes when you braced yourself for the fall but you snapped them back open when you felt the soft thing, you fell into, move. The thing wasn’t actually a thing, but a person. A male person to be exact. A rather tall one, with greenish-grey eyes and off-white messy hair that stood up into all sorts of direction. Bedhair or fashion statement? You couldn't tell. His skin was pale, he had a slim frame but surprisingly strong arms, judging by how he had caught you. A sheepish smile was curling on the male’s lips as he didn’t make any attempts to let go of your waist where he was holding you when he stopped your fall. 

“Are you okay? Ah, for a moment I thought I got unlucky again, but this might just be good luck!” he suddenly exclaimed gleefully. You weren’t sure what that meant, but you could sense from the stranger that he felt actually delighted about something. “Oh I’m sorry, I got a bit carried away.” With that the boy let go off you with a light chuckle after he made sure you were steady on your feet. “Trash like me shouldn’t be holding onto a promising student like yourself for longer than necessary. But I am happy I was able to break your fall. I could be useful to somebody on my first day! In conclusion, this morning is starting out well! ” That guy sure talked a lot, you weren’t even able to get a single syllable out yet and this kid just kept going on and on “Oh, although it might be my fault you were hit by that soccer ball, I hope it didn’t hurt your back.” So it was a soccer ball that had hit you. You turned around to see a group of kids, one of them profusely apologizing as he ran up to fetch the ball that was rolling just a few meters behind you. 

“It’s okay...I’m fine,” you reassured the kid who had now picked up his soccer ball before you turned back to face the white-haired guy again. You didn’t say anything to him yet, maybe you should. “I... What do you mean _your fault?_ Clearly, you weren’t the one kicking the ball unless you have some sort of super high school level boomerang-kick ability,” you said, rubbing your back that felt sore from earlier. 

“Oh it’s...” the boy scratched the back of his head with that same sheepish smile from earlier. Somehow his smile looked pained “I tend to drag people around me into my awful luck. So when that soccer ball came flying it was probably aiming for me, but because my good luck was outrunning my bad luck this time, the ball was blocked by you... Though I am not saying it’s a good thing you got hit instead of me, of course not!” He raised both hands defensively in front of him by the conclusion he himself drew. At this stage, his smile looked like he had swallowed a whole lemon. You couldn’t help wondering what was up with this guy forcing a smile this whole time. Also, what was this all about bad luck and good luck? 

“It’s fine,” was all you eventually answered. Though you wanted to tell him that it still wasn’t his fault you got hit by the soccer ball, but something told you denying it would just set the boy off to go on another rant. 

“Eh, that reminds me...,” he suddenly started musing with his hand resting on his chin. “.. before the soccer ball hit you, I heard you say the same thing... _‘It’s fine’_.. is what you said.” 

You did? Oh yeah, you remembered now. You were reminiscing about your life. But first of all, you felt like this conversation was going into a whole other tangent and you didn’t even know who that person was. “Uh... I’m sorry but what was your name?” 

“Ah, right, I didn’t introduce myself, I’m really sorry. But most times I don’t think it’s really necessary to introduce myself because no one really cares about garbage like—” 

“Your name, not your life story,” you interrupted the stranger who immediately bit his lip and then bowed his head deeply.

“Komaeda Nagito. It’s my greatest pleasure to meet you... uh... I don’t know your name yet either. How shameful of me, I should have—” 

“It’s Y/N. Nice to meet you Komaeda-kun.” Once again you interrupted him. Not to be rude, but quite the opposite. To not force this poor guy into going into another self-deprecating ramble. It was barely three minutes of knowing him, but you already learned one thing and that was, this Komaeda character liked talking down on himself. But even someone who didn’t have a super high school level empathy would have noticed that much. “So is it your first day as well?” you then asked to not give this conversation another chance to turn awkward. Even though you asked, you already figured this out. Judging by the school uniform he was wearing he was obviously a student here, plus he mentioned something about his “first day” earlier. 

“It is! So you’re a first-year as well,” he deducted from that and you answered with a nod. “Which means, we should probably hurry to not be late on our first day.” 

With that both of you finally entered the school building, walking alongside each other. Maybe this wasn’t so bad, it looked as though maybe you already made your first possible acquaintance in this school. Besides, you were horrible with directions so it was quite lucky to have someone with you who seemed to know exactly where to go. 

“Can I ask what’s your talent?” Komaeda asked as you two were walking up a set of stairs. You never were asked this question so upfront. Well, first of all, people outside this school wouldn’t just assume you were a person with some ultimate talent so they didn’t ask about it, made sense. So it also made sense that here in Hope’s Peak people were asking about the one thing that had them chosen to be a student in this school. 

“I’m the Ultimate Empath... I, ... well, I guess I am good at reading people’s emotions...?” You didn’t know why you made it sound like a question. Somehow you didn’t really like talking about it. You thought it made you sound full of yourself. But not only that, sometimes you could sense people trying to build a wall around themselves as soon as they learned your talent because they were afraid of you reading them like open books. Who would want something intimidate as their emotion to be laid out freely for a stranger after all?

But Komaeda didn’t seem like the type to be taken aback in this way. Quite the opposite. His eyes lit up as he stopped in his track. “What a wonderful ability to possess! I'm honored to be in the presence of such a gifted individual. I can’t even imagine how much hope is slumbering inside someone of such truly remarkable talent." That felt a little... excessive. But alright. "Hmmm... so I am sure you were also able to tell, right?” He suddenly asked, looking at you with expectation in his eyes. 

“Could I tell... what?” You asked and felt a bit silly since he was obviously putting you on a high pedestal and expected you to know. But you truly didn’t. What were you supposed to be able to tell? 

But the male didn’t seem shaken, instead, he rubbed the back of his head again with another one of his forced smiles “That, contrary to you, I am truly useless and don’t belong here.” 

You sighed. So that was what he was going on about again but you shook your head. “Mhm, not at all. Actually, the only thing I noticed is that you think of yourself poorly.” _And that when you smile you’re covering up your deep-seated self-loathing in order to make it seem like it's not such a big deal._ But you didn’t say this last part out loud. This wasn’t the time to get into this kind of conversation with someone you literally just met. 

“Ahaha, as expected of the ultimate Empath. I guess I’m not fooling you,” he responded and you shrugged. 

“I don’t think you’d be fooling anyone. Empath or not. Neither do I feel like you’re trying to fool anyone. You’ve been pretty open about how you see yourself. That begs the question, what is that ultimate talent of yours? I hope it’s not super high school level self-deprecation.” That was your attempt at a joke but also, now it would be awkward if his talent really was that. 

The boy tilted his head to the side, his hand resting on his chin again. “It’s not, but it’s also not anything much better than that. I’m actually just the number one Lucky student... or that’s what I am called.” Lucky student, huh? Now that earlier talk about luck seemed to make more sense. “You don’t need to look so troubled about finding something nice to say. I know it’s not special or really any great talent to have. Actually, it’s not even really a talent at all.” he added. 

“Mhm, that’s not it... I didn’t think of it as something not special. Moreover, I was surprised that there is someone with super high school level luck and that Hope’s Peak was able to find someone like that.” It was your turn to put your hand on your chin.   
  


“Oh, I am not rare at all. Actually, there is one Ultimate lucky student in every year. I got picked through a random lottery. But I get what you mean, it’s amazing that the school can research something as vague as luck.”

“It’s amazing...” you mumbled and then nodded firmly “Out of everyone in Japan you got picked through this lottery. That’s quite amazing luck!” You found yourself actually impressed. 

But the boy raised both arms in defense “It’s not actually amazing at all on my part. After all, I didn’t do anything to deserve being here other than winning a lottery. Being lucky is really nothing special.” 

“Then let me ask you this Komaeda Nagito...” you started now, your voice taking on a challenging tone “How is any other ultimate talent different? Take mine for example. I was born being hyper empathetic. I didn’t work hard to become this way, neither did I ever accomplish anything great with my so-called super high school level talent. So why is it that you think the talent I possess is, how you put, “truly remarkable”, but your luck is “nothing special”?” 

You truly thought you hit a good point here but Nagito didn’t seem to think that way because he had an answer ready as if he was just waiting to destroy your argument. “The two aren’t comparable at all. I can’t even imagine how many people you’ve helped to overcome despair by empathizing with them. How many days, even lives you can make better by giving someone a little of your empathy. I mean...my talent is just having good luck. It's not like I can use it to do anything amazing. There is no one I can do anything for with such a useless “talent”. It’s self-serving and even in that, it doesn’t do a great job. I can never be sure whether my luck leads me down a bright or a dark path either. Sometimes I am not sure if I am the luckiest or unluckiest person alive. This kind of luck consists of giving and taking...taking and giving.. on and on...inconsistent and never in a way to be useful to the greater good. There is no hope to be achieved by just depending on this luck either. There are people who _“hope”_ for _“luck”_ , but this is the worst possible way to taint hope with... You don’t hope for something so truly shapeless as luck. People can wish for luck, for all I care... because _wishes_ are just as shapeless as luck itself. But hope and luck have no business being used to achieve each other. Regardless of how lucky I am, or if that luck even exists, I'm just too unimpressive to truly matter. But that’s not to say I am not thankful for it. After all, this luck is what brought me here, to a place filled with hope!” 

And like on cue, the doorbell rang to announce the start of homeroom as Komaeda finished his rant. You had just listened, impressed by the long speech you triggered, impressed by Komaeda’s ability to make luck sound like it never stood for anything good. Since the beginning of time people sought for good luck, and this guy, in mere seconds, destroyed everything you thought you knew about luck when he treated it like it was worth nothing. That in itself was impressive... but also ... sad. What happened in this young man’s life so far to make him think of his luck in such a negative light? But before you could finish this thought you felt a hand wrap around your wrist. It was Komaeda who started running off and pulling you along with him. “UH WHAT are you—” 

“You will be late to our first class and it’s all my fault for keeping you!” he replied anxiously as he kept running and making it hard for you to keep up with him. There was no point in arguing against it or trying to wriggle your wrist free, he was right. You were about to be late and you had to hurry, so you did your best to not trip as you sprinted together to your classroom. 

When you two finally arrived and Komaeda pushed the door open you were able to catch your breath. Panting heavily you looked into the classroom that was already filled with many students... fourteen of them to be exact. And each and every one of them had their eyes on you two as you stood in the door, both being out of breath. But it didn’t look like a teacher was present yet. 

“Homeroom didn’t start yet. We got lucky!” you heard the boy next to you exclaim. He was still holding onto your wrist and you instinctively pulled your arm away when you noticed. You heard the white-haired boy apologize for “Trash like him to be just touching you like that” but it was drowned out by the voice of the pink-haired guy in the classroom “You must be the two missing students! We thought you wouldn’t show up anymore.” 

“What was it that made you two late? Make out session in the dressing room? A love affair on the very first day? Uwauwah! I might just need to get some advice on how to get laid this fast! Tell me, tell me! I am very open for everything, or we can skip the chat and get straight to the threesome,” a small guy in chef’s clothes went off now while circling you and Komaeda and looking at the both of you with a dirty grin until a red-haired girl with cute freckles came to drag the guy away from you two while scolding him to stop being such a pervert. 

What chaos this was. You almost felt your cheeks blush at the weird assumption that Komaeda and you would have done anything inappropriate. But the boy next to you seemed completely composed and just smiled into the classroom. He actually looked, truly and utterly at peace. He sure was an odd one, but maybe not in a bad way at all. 

After all that, miraculously you and Komaeda still had time to introduce yourselves. Maybe it wasn’t such a miracle, maybe it was just Komaeda’s luck that gave you time to settle down, find the remaining seats, and get to know your classmates a bit before your teacher entered the classroom. 

The first introductions were a lot to take in. Many names, colorful personalities, and ultimate talents to remember, but you did your best. You weren’t that much of a speaker so you were thankful that Nagito was with you and kept the introductions rolling. Maybe he seemed eccentric, but he was surprisingly good at talking to people he only just met. He also had a talent of making people feel special by praising their talents and by getting excited over meeting them. You didn’t miss the sparkle in Souda’s eyes when Komaeda praised his hands used for mechanics to be skillful beyond imagination, or the blush on Mikan’s cheeks when he told her she will be saving many lives with her amazing talent as a nurse. Komaeda knew how to make people feel special, so why was it so hard for him to do the same thing for himself? 

Your teacher eventually showed up right around when you were able to get a gist of every one of your fellow students' talents and personalities. Yukizome-sensei was quite the personality herself. She was the ultimate housekeeper, but she could as well be the ultimate optimist. At least on the first impression, but you couldn’t help feeling there was more to her.. and this was just how she wanted to be perceived. And you were never wrong when you felt like there was more to a person that met the eye. Either way, your first day in Hope’s Peak Academy’s Class 77-B went well. Very well in fact. You had a surprisingly good time meeting all your classmates, learning about the school, and most notably, classes were actually fun and quite different from how they went in every other school you visited so far. 

...

And so, weeks passed. You went to your classes regularly without missing a day and so did everyone else. Although attempting classes in Hope's Peak wasn’t mandatory, everyone seemed to be happy to show up every day because you all got along in no time and quickly formed friendships. You've always been rather quick to find friends around you with your talent of empathy, so in this case, too, you quickly formed some relationships with your classmates. Sometimes it was even hard to pick who to spend your breaks with because everyone liked being around you and you liked to be around everyone. 

You figured out your classmates one after another and knew exactly how to treat everyone to make them happy... it almost felt like cheating in a way. You knew for example that Hiyoko was just mean to others to hide her own insecurities and that in fact, she was very fragile and scared of being disliked, so it was easy to get on her good side by offering her to rant to her heart's content to you while you just listened and made her feel understood. 

Or that Chiaki was worried about not getting along with others because she didn’t know how to approach people outside her virtual world, so you joined her for some multi-player games to show her that her hobby can be shared with others. Soon you got others involved in these game battles as well, which made Chiaki more inclined to spend time with her other classmates. 

Gundam was even easier to get on your good side, as long as you always carried a handful of sunflower seeds in your pocket for his Four Dark Devas of Destruction you went from a fiend to a friend in no time. Similar to how Akane would not leave your side once you shared your lunch with her. 

Then there were the kinds of students where you didn’t even have to try to figure them out, like Ibuki who was an actual ray of sunshine and seemingly just straight up loved you unconditionally from day one. Same as Kazuichi who basically called you his best friend on day two, because you gave him tips on how he should approach Sonia without it being so off-putting that it made her want to run away. 

In short, all in all, you truly found your place in this class. The same thing couldn’t be said about Nagito, the first person you met when you started to go to school here. Despite how he seemed on the first day, social and having a way too simple time to talk to everyone, things really only went south from there. It wasn’t really that he did anything different, he remained the same person he was when you met on the first day. But it just seemed hard for others to get along with the kind of person he was. It was quite frankly heart-breaking to watch as more and more fellow students started to keep their distance from Nagito. You heard people call him weird, obsessive, even scary before and you didn’t quite agree. Sure you saw where people came from by being a little freaked out at some of the things he said or the way he behaved. He was coming on strong with his talks about hope, treating people like royalty while talking down on himself.. and fair enough, he also didn’t really try to belong either, quite the opposite. He kept his own distance whenever everyone would gather, claiming not to be worthy to be with everyone and once again, while everyone was together having fun, Nagito would stand in a quiet corner by himself, having his usual big smile on his face while peacefully watching. Because that’s all he wanted, or so he claimed. To watch everyone’s hope blossom from an outsider's perspective. 

But was he really content like that? As much as he made it look like he was satisfied being the odd-one-out, you couldn’t help but wonder if he didn’t also yearn for friendship with everyone. Now and then you even thought you caught a glimpse of him watching you especially. Not to be conceited but you were the first student he met coming here, just like he was the first one you met. Since that day it had felt like you somehow also owed him something. And sometimes it felt like his glances at you were reminders of that. 

Today, Yukizome-sensei brought all students out to have a barbecue in the park. Little outings like these weren’t rare in your class. They were also fun, everyone worked together to make them successful and with the different types of characters your class had, it surely would never become boring on these events. You just finished preparing a mixed salad for the team when once again you noticed that everyone was together while Nagito sat on a picnic table a little outside, chopping some onions by himself. You actually felt a little guilty when you realized you haven’t tried in a long time to approach the white-haired boy either. It was because you found yourself surrounded by other classmates most of the time, that you lost sight of the ones who didn’t openly approach you, like Nagito. But since everyone seemed busy right now it was a good time to sneak off and check on Komaeda, so you did. 

He seemed really focused on his task and thus only took note of you when you dropped down on the bench next to the boy, but when he did his hand slipped and you gasped loudly when the knife in his hand cut his thumb and index finger. That was your fault, and you immediately felt overwhelming guilt... maybe caused by your ultimate empathy or maybe because that’s how people felt when causing someone to hurt themselves on accident. Your hand reached out to grab his that was bleeding. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, let’s get this treated!”

You panicked but he smiled at you, with his usual bright expression. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt, I just cut some skin...” 

“It doesn’t hurt...? Then why are you crying?” you whined, pointing at the literal tears streaming down the white-haired face, the worry almost killing you but Komaeda started to laugh. 

“It’s because of the onions, I promise. It doesn’t hurt.” Actually, that made sense and you felt relieved. But the boy was still bleeding and the crimson trickling down his finger was now dripping onto the table. 

“I’m... I’m gonna get the first-aid kit from Yukizome-sensei, wait right here, alright?” 

Maybe you could have also just asked Mikan to take a look, she was the Ultimate Nurse after all. But it was your fault that Komaeda got hurt, so you wanted to take responsibility. You ran as fast as you could and remembered, the last time you ran like that was on the first day of school when Nagito dragged you along. Seemingly he was the one person who could make you run like that, maybe he should become a PE teacher because he managed to do what all your PE teachers failed to achieve.

When you returned with the first-aid kit in your hand you grumbled at the sight of Nagito who had calmly returned to chopping onions with his one hand wrapped into a bunch of tissues. “I think there’re enough chopped onions,” you lightly scolded but he looked at you with furrowed brows. 

“I tainted the previous one with my disgusting blood, so I have to chop some new ones.” 

You didn’t listen but grabbed the cutting board with the onions and the knife from the male to put them aside, then sat down next to him again and pulled his injured hand up to you to remove the tissues and look at the cut. “It’s really not just skin... it bleeds too much to be just skin. I cut my hand before and I know it won't quit bleeding unless you put pressure and stop using your hand for the time being.” Nagito just watched you quietly as you laid down his hand on your lap while you searched the first-aid kit for some disinfect and some bandaids. That was surprising in itself, you didn’t know this boy was able to shut up. Whenever you were around him it seemed like he could talk on forever and ever. After you found the antiseptic you put some on a tissue before grabbing Komaeda’s hand again and pressing the tissue onto the open wound, causing the boy to flinch. “I’m sorry... I’m sure it burns.” 

But he shook his head “It’s not that bad.” 

“Liar,” you stated and he chuckled, making you look up from his hand to meet his gaze. There still were tears gathered in the corner of his eyes. He said it was the onions but it still made him look pitiful, so pitiful that you reached out on instinct to use your thumb and brush away the single tear that was falling from his long lashes onto his cheek. He once again flinched a little, but this time from your touch, causing you to pull your hand back quickly again. 

“As expected from the ultimate Empath...,” he eventually murmured and added “...but you shouldn’t waste your time taking care of trash like me. You should be with the others. I’m sure they want you to join too and I should be the last person who keeps you away from them.” You didn’t feel the need to respond, because no matter what you would say, he would keep on insisting that he was trash and you wasted your time, so instead of answering you removed the tissue with the antiseptic and reached for a fresh bandaid to wrap it onto the wound on Komaeda’s hand. “Thank you... once again I am not sure if cutting myself was unlucky or lucky...,” the boy mused as he brought his hand up to look at the bandaid.” 

“Ne, Komaeda-kun. Do you truly think when you cut yourself that had to do with your luck.. bad luck whatever... and it wasn’t my fault for startling you?” you now asked. 

“What are you saying? An Ultimate like you can’t possibly be at fault for mistakes I am making!” he quickly retorted, as expected. 

“You know, Ultimates make mistakes too.” That seemed to render him speechless for a bit. Maybe he didn’t have an argument against it this time. “Also...” you said to end the silence between you two “It’s insulting when you assume the only reason I care about you getting hurt is because of my ultimate talent.”

“That’s not what I—”

You interrupted “That’s what it sounds like whenever you make a remark like that. I know it’s not meant as an insult to me but an insult to yourself, and that doesn’t make it any better. Actually, I hate that more than anything.” You actually sounded angrier than intended but finally, you realized that it really irked you whenever Nagito was talking down on himself. 

“I’m sorry...” he almost whispered and you noticed how he avoided looking into your eyes, which was rare. You knew Komaeda as someone who was especially good at keeping intense eye-contact during a conversation, sometimes so intense it felt like he was looking straight into your soul. 

“Sorry? For what? That you made me feel angry? But that’s not what you should feel sorry for... if anything you should feel sorry for treating yourself so lowly...” but even if you said that it’s not as if your words would change that. This kind of thinking was so deep-rooted in Nagito that possibly no one could ever change that. So weren’t you asking for the impossible? And was that fair? Maybe that’s why he was quieter than usual. Because you kept asking him for the impossible things and he didn’t want to say anything more to upset you. This didn't go well, and for a moment you wondered if you made a bad call approaching the white-haired boy today. In an attempt to make you two become closer, you might have just done the opposite and put a wrench between what could have become a friendship. And for once you felt something, ... like fear, fear to lose a connection you thought you two might have been able to make. _Or maybe..._ the next moment you wondered if this were your own feelings or if it weren’t the emotions you received from the male in front of you. Maybe he was scared that he had ruined things. 

“Komaeda-kun I—” — “Y/N I—.” You both said at the exact same time, your words overlapping each other. 

“Go ahead,” he said quickly after and you nodded but you actually didn’t really know what you wanted to say so you had to sort your thoughts for a moment.

Then took a deep breath and eventually said “I’ve been unfair towards you... Shaming someone for the way they are thinking is no way to get someone to stop with the things we don’t understand... I am sure you don’t like being self-deprecating either but I treated it as if it’s just a choice you make. You probably can’t change the way you’re thinking... not by simply being told to stop. I think for you to see yourself in a better light, you need someone who understands you and thus can teach you about the beautiful things within you, little by little... I... I want to be able to show you that you, yourself are a precious being as well.” With that, your eyes met again. And once again you seemed to have rendered Nagito speechless. He didn’t wear his usual goofy smile either. He just looked at you from curious eyes as if seeking for some sort of answer in yours. As if he was waiting for some twist or turn, or tried to understand the meaning behind your words. 

“A precious being...?” he asked after what felt like hours of silence. Is that what you said? Suddenly you felt the heat rise into your face. Why did you put it like that? It sounded super cheesy and now you were put on the spot by Komaeda repeating your words. 

“I... Komaeda-kun, you always say you love hope, right?” You swiftly changed course and he blinked, probably because of how you switched to an entirely different topic. But also, his eyes lit up just a second after, probably at the mention of hope. 

“Everyone loves hope. I am just more vocal about it than others,” he replied confidently. “Don’t you?” he then asked. 

“I... well ...” You felt flustered. You never thought about what hope really meant to you, actually. 

“Let me rephrase it. There is nothing else in life more important than hope, don’t you agree?” 

“I’m not sure if I do,” you now countered straight-away and he seemed completely thrown off by it because his expression darkened. 

“Then what can be more important? Name one thing and I will tell you why you’re wrong.”

Wow, that was the first time he straight up just challenged you like that and even lost his submissive way of talking. And he got you there because, on the top of your head, you couldn’t really come up with an answer. Something more important than hope, there should be a lot of things but somehow you drew completely blank. Was it because you never really found out what was the thing most important to yourself? If you thought about what other people would answer it was probably something like Family, Happiness, Freedom, ...Love... but you never truly felt any sort of deep emotion towards any of these things because you always lacked the ability to understand your own emotions. 

“That’s what I thought,” Nagito eventually concluded after the long pause. 

“That’s not it... but I realized something...” You looked down at your hands and sighed “I realized that there may not be anything important to me... and maybe I wanted to disagree with you because I haven’t found the answer for myself. I can’t possibly agree that hope is the most important thing... if I don’t know what I really feel about hope... or anything for that matter. Because even as I use my talent to empathize with others, there's no way around it... and the truth is that I am truly empty inside.” And that was possibly the first time you opened up about this insecurity of yours... the insecurity of not knowing anything about your own feelings. 

When you looked up again you were surprised about the expression on the white-haired boy’s face. He looked kind of... strange. A wide grin plastered on his face. Not the usual smile you were so familiar with either. His eyes were glossed over in a dark veil, almost looking like they lost their color. You didn’t want to think that, but he looked ... deranged and the manic laugh that followed after didn’t change that impression. “This is it! Yes, this is it!” he exclaimed between his waves of laughter and you found yourself thrown into confusion. “That’s the hope we have to find more than anything! That’s exactly why you’re here! Y/N you’re the perfect vessel to have the ultimate hope grow inside you, as long as the seed of hope has been planted into your void you may be able to manifest the biggest hope there ever was!" 

“I’m the perfect wh—”

But he didn’t let you finish “This emptiness you feel! It’s wonderful! You can grow everything out of nothing! Do you understand that you have the power to do ANYTHING? Despair or hope, it’s completely your choice! Are you allowing your untainted heart to be consumed by despair or open it up to the bright light of hope?” 

“Komaeda-kun you're kinda freaking me out—”

But it was as if he didn’t hear you when he continued his rant “But in either circumstance, I am sure even if you meet despair you will definitely grow even stronger hope so there’s only one answer! The powerful hope I yearn so strongly for, the hope that can overcome any despair! I thought I'd be able to see amazingly strong hope at Hope's Peak... And now there might be something I can do to let hope shine within you, even I, as a worthless piece of scum can show you—” 

“Nagito PLEASE STOP!” Your hands suddenly moved by themselves as it grabbed both of Komaeda’s wrists and finally caused him to snap out of,... whatever this was. His insane expression turned back to normal, his eyes garnered back their color and he looked as though he was just awoken from a dream. But his arms in your grasp, they trembled. Due to the sensation of his thin, trembling arms in your firm grip, you suddenly felt like you overstepped some boundaries. “Komaeda... I’m... I’m sorry but you started to scare the shit out of me...” you let go of his wrists but instead of being able to pull back your hands Nagito caught yours with his own, linking his fingers with yours to get a firm hold of your hands in his.

“Don’t let go...” 

“Komaeda-kun...?”

“Like this... just a little longer ...,” he pleaded in a whisper and you could sense some sort of fear in the white-haired boy. But you were unsure of what caused it. Either way, you decided to fasten the grip on Komaeda’s hands as well and felt as his trembling slowly became extinct.

And you, you no longer felt freaked out, it was as if the last minutes didn’t happen when you looked at the boy in front of you who looked vulnerable and as a paradox at it seemed also at peace at this moment; you felt a warm familiarity you couldn’t quite explain.

The boy exhaled and closed his eyes. You stayed like this for a while longer. You didn’t ask what the hell that was, or if he calmed down again. Instead, you used your softest voice to make a remark that came from somewhere in your mind that you didn't even quite understand either “Your luck... It’s not as worthless as you think. It brought you to Hope’s Peak,... it brought you to meet me. I don’t know what it is yet... but I think us meeting each other is leading to something really important.” 

As your gaze met with his once more you could see a smile form on his lips. And it felt like it was maybe the first time the smile he showed you was sincere. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi if you read until here it means you might have enjoyed this story so far, thanks for that.  
> You might have noticed that I tagged Hinata in this story, although he didn't show in this chapter yet, I do plan things with him as well. Depending on how this story goes there might be other characters added when they get bigger parts in the story.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading. Hope to see you again!  
> Have a good one!


	2. in this world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This gets a bit dark, but I assume as Danganronpa fans you are probably alright with themes such as death and suicide.. but still, proceed with caution!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for coming back for chapter two! Also sorry for the slow updates. 
> 
> A lot of things are going on around the globe rn, it's a good time to write and I hope I can also entertain all of you in self-quarantine at least for a little bit while you read this story, maybe help you to distract your mind from the stress caused by this current pandemic, at least for a bit .
> 
> Other than that, pls remember to wash your hands, stay home, don't be a dick and buy all the toilet paper, soap and sanitizer not leaving something for the rest and most importantly stay away from your grandparents for their sake but remember to call or text them some time, because I am sure they will be lonely. That's all. 
> 
> Now I hope you enjoy the new chapter. LMK if you have any critique, I'm all ears to hear what you think!

_"_ Y/N! Hooooi, Y/N!"

You snapped back into reality and looked into a pair of shining pink eyes. In front of you stood Ibuki who was holding a skewer with meat in her hand. You totally zoned out after the talk with Nagito. You had joined the others again after that, but your mind kept wandering back to what had happened earlier. 

"Are you fast asleep or what?" The black-haired girl tilted her head with a pucker of her lips. "We're all done! You better hurry and get a plate of food before Akane ate all of it." 

"I'm sorry... I'm a little sleepy I guess." You stretched and looked around. It smelled of smoked meat, your stomach grumbled. You didn't even realize how hungry you were. 

Your eyes darted over to Komaeda who was sitting by himself on a tree stump while nipping on a piece of meat on a skewer as well. Your glance fell on the bandaid on his hand that was holding the skewer. That little accident sure led to unexpected developments. Mostly the kind of you seeking more answers about the white-haired boy, drawing you towards him like a moth drawn to the light. Curiosity, mostly. Was it? Maybe some sort of fondness too? 

"Here!" You were ripped away from your thoughts when someone handed you a plate with meat and grilled vegetables on it. It was Mahiro who smiled gently at you. "I was able to save a plate for you before it's too late. Our classmates are beasts who won't even leave anything to eat if we're not fast enough." 

"Thank you." You smiled back at her as you took the plate from her hands. 

"Don't you want to come and sit with us?" She pointed towards a crowded picnic table on which all the girls of your class had gathered, but also Kazuichi who sat so close to Sonia that her elbow kept hitting him in the side, probably a little on purpose, but which didn't seem to bother him one bit. Boy wouldn't get a hint, even if she'd punch him in the face. 

"It's okay, we will send Soda away so there's space for you," Mahiro said with a feisty grin while punching her palm as she noticed you looking at them. 

"Actually... I promised Komaeda-kun to sit with him. Sorry." You said, and she seemed a tad disappointed but still nodded. 

"Alright. Don't let him keep you for too long and join us later, okay?" With that, she turned to join the girls at the table. You couldn't help but chuckle when she pulled at the back of Kazuichi's collar to get him away from Sonia while the boy loudly protested. But instead of watching the rest of the chaos unfold you eventually walked over to the white-haired male. 

"You're not going to join the others?" the boy asked surprised, turning towards you as you sat down next to him, sharing the small space of the tree stump.

"Didn't I make it clear earlier that I wanted to spend time with you?" 

"You want to keep an eye on me, is that it?" 

"It's not, now shh, less talking more eating."

Komaeda chuckled but did as told. You both didn't talk as you consumed your food but that was alright. It wasn't that you sought out Nagito's company to have a conversation at this moment. It was more that you just felt like being next to him. It put you into a weird sense of ease to know he was right there. What an unexpected development, you though. Maybe after what had happened, you were supposed to feel the opposite. 

_And so, even as weeks passed..._

....

"How does your luck work? Is good luck always following bad luck and vice versa?"

"Mhm, it's not that stream-lined, unfortunately. Sometimes I have more bad luck than good luck. On other days I will continuously have one lucky incident after the other... those are the scariest days because I'll expect bad fortune to follow at every corner I move to, it's inevitable in order to restore the balance after all."

You looked up at the sky above you and let Komaeda's words sink in. Balance. You never thought of it this way, but realistically, if Komaeda's Ultimate Luck was coming hand in hand with Bad Luck, shouldn't all Ultimate's have something to counter their Super high-school-level ability to restore balance. Maybe this was why you weren't able to feel your own emotions, maybe that was what you had to give up to use your Ultimate Empathy.

The grass beneath you tickled your arm when you eventually moved to lay on your side and face the boy who was laying next to you in the spring greenery. Ever since that day of the barbeque, Nagito and you spent more time together. One of the places you would get together was the same park you held the barbeque at, like right now, lying in the grass next to each other, basking in the sun. It wasn't like anyone of you suddenly thought of this place and you agreed. It happened more naturally like that. At some point, your feet just brought you both here after school and since then you came here often. 

"Is it scary? Always expecting bad luck to follow whenever something good happens?"

Nagito didn't look back at you but still gazed up at the sky as he seemed to think about an answer to your words. "Sometimes." he then answered with a bit hesitation as if he wasn't quite sure himself. You've learned by now when Komaeda kept his answers short like this, which was very out of character for him, that meant he didn't really know the answer himself or at the very least was unsure.

At this stage, it felt natural to get together with Komaeda like this, but also, you felt like you were using him in a way. Because ever since you opened up about the empty feeling inside you, you felt more drawn towards him. Maybe, because you wanted to challenge the emptiness inside you and maybe because it felt possible when you were around him, as though you would be able to find what you were lacking. It wasn't just that, however. You were also drawn to Komaeda out of curiosity. You never met a person you weren't able to look through, someone you couldn't quite get a grasp on. Trying to understand Komaeda was like grabbing a handful of sand and watching it seep through your fingers. But that was fine. You didn't even really know if you wanted to "get him", it was kind of refreshing being around someone who remained a mystery to you.

"Y/N can I ask you something too?" Komaeda's voice brought you back to the here and now.

He still didn't look at you, but straight up ahead, so after nodding you also mumbled a small "Sure, go ahead."

"Do you enjoy spending time with me?"

Where was this coming from all of a sudden? You didn't think long about an answer but immediately answered: "I wouldn't spend time with you if I didn't."

"People spend time around others all the time, even if they don't like it." he drew from that.

You sighed "So you think I am lying then?"

"Mhm.. " he hummed and you could see a small smile curl on his lips "Actually, I think you're the first person I believe when you say you don't mind being around me." He looked at peace and the quiet breeze made a soft mess out of his already shaggy hair. You couldn't help but stare at his profile. The fair skin ever so slightly glistering under the patches of sun that snuck through the shadows from the tree behind you; his messy hair that wasn't pure white, neither silver nor blond. Soft features, long lashes and thin lips but a nice, sharp jawline and a prominent adam's apple .. You've been thinking this before, but he was quite beautiful... for a guy especially. The word was ethereal... There was something ethereal about his appearance.

"What are you thinking about when you look at me like that?" he suddenly asked, his face now turning towards you. You were caught off guard because he didn't seem like he would notice you shamelessly mustering him for some time but alas.

"I've been thinking you must be popular." Why did you say that? That sounded like you were making a move or something. Which you definitely didn't. You didn't think of Komaeda like that at all. You didn't even know how and if you were capable of feeling attraction like that to another human being. You added fast to divert "Is this your natural hair colour?"

"Hm? Y/N,... I've been thinking that recently, but you've become kind of curious about me." he now diverted, his tone was teasing.

"Uhm I..., am I?" You asked slightly flustered.

He chuckled and sat up, so you automatically did the same. "I don't mind, I just noticed. But it's fine, whatever you want to know you can ask me. I will answer everything since it's an honour you are even curious about someone like me."

"It's just natural since we spend time together like this... I want to know you better." You mumbled, brushing the grass next to you with your palm and let it tickle your skin. 

He nodded, then tugged on a strand of his hair, pulling it into his vision to look at it as if he had to make sure what hair colour he had before he mumbled "Is it natural or not? I don't know anymore. It hasn't been this light before I...." For whatever reason he paused.

"Before you, what?"

He laughed again and waved his hand in front of his face "I don't think it matters for right now."

You were confused about him closing the topic without a real answer, especially since it was him, the same fella who just said he would answer whatever question you had. But maybe even Komaeda, who always seemed very lose-lipped about everything, had some things he didn't want to talk about. Before you could investigate on it more you saw someone walking along the path in front of you, someone you recognized.

"Ah! Hinata-kun, hello!", you called out and waved with a smile The boy stopped in his tracks to wave back at you, his face brightening up upon recognizing you. He was a student in the reserve course of Hope's Peak and you knew him through Chiaki who had introduced you two before when you ran into them together in front of the school. The two of them spent a lot of time together between classes, mostly gaming on their handheld consoles. One time you even joined them for some racing car game, which you pathetically lost. Since then you talked to Hinata whenever you met him on school grounds. You liked talking to him, especially because it was easy to get a conversation going with him. You could see why Chiaki felt so at ease around him despite not being the most social person herself. He had the kind of aura that made one feel completely relaxed in his presence; you also thought he probably didn't have a single mean bone in his body.

"Isn't he...?" you heard from your side and looked at Komaeda who squinted his eyes, then unmistakenly sent a glare into Hinata's direction as the boy approached you two. But for now, you decided to pass it off as him just being wary around strangers and focused your attention to Hinata who came to ahold in front of you.

"Good seeing you, Y/N. You're here early. No classes today?"

"Mhm, we were sent home earlier because Nekomaru and Akane destroyed the classroom... again." You sighed and Hinata chuckled, then his glance fell at Komaeda. "Ah right... this is Komaeda-kun, he's in my class. Komaeda, this is Hinata-kun, he is—"

"A reserve course student. I recognize that school-uniform." Komaeda finished with venom in his tone. You never heard him sound like this before. Did he sound... repulsed? What was happening? Did the two know each other and didn't get along? 

Hinata seemed just as taken aback by the other's attitude because you could immediately sense his discomfort. "I was just on my way home, trough the park is the fastest route. So I should probably—."

"Continue walking, yes." Komaeda once again finished, his eyes darkened even more than before. He not only sounded but also started to look like an entirely different person. The atmosphere around him was painful to endure.

But Hinata wasn't the type to just let others walk all over him so he eventually retorted "Is there a problem?"

Komaeda looked like he was just waiting for this question to be asked because his answer came without missing a beat "A problem, with a talentless reserve course student like yourself? There are many problems, actually. People like you have no business visiting Hope's Peak academy. This place is reserved for extraordinary people who can get together for a greater hope. There is no hope to be had inside someone so utterly ordinary like yourself and the rest of your course. And even so, you shamelessly come up here to talk to a truly remarkable, talented person like Y/N as if you were allies when you should be on your knees kissing their shoes for even acknowledging your existence."

"Komaeda-kun!" You couldn't believe the words coming from your friend but even if you tried to stop him he just kept talking.

"Hope's Peak should have never opened the doors for the likes of you. This whole reserve course department is such a shameful, shameful existence that's bound to distort everything that Hope's Peak represents. So let me ask you this, Hinata-kun. Does it make you feel special coming to a school, surrounded by talented people, pretending to be part of it? Because if I was in your shoes, which, ironically I just might be, it would make me feel like an even lower mass of dirt than I already am."

You could see in Hinata's face that with every word coming from Nagito his expression turned angrier and angrier until it suddenly switched into something else, like... hurt. As if Komaeda had hit a weak spot. "I'm not here to feel special I just want..."

Again the white-haired one didn't let him finish "You're not? Give me a break, we all know why the reserve course was even implemented. To give good-for-nothing's the false hope of becoming something extraordinary. But that's never going to happen. There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are born with worth, and everybody else. You can't be oblivious of the fact that you are part of the second category. Don't worry, I am too. But I, at least, accept that no matter how hard a lowly human such as you and I try, we will never be the same as someone who was born worthy...and in your case, money used to buy yourself into Hope's Peak Academy isn't going to change that either."

"Komaeda-kun, that's... enough." You eventually heard yourself say in a small voice, but loud enough for the boy next to you to focus his attention to you. You felt yourself shake from,... you didn't even quite know what. Anger? Frustration? Was this how Hinata felt? These were his feelings seeping right into you, the effect of your super high school level Empathy. It felt rather painful... Poor Hinata. Komaeda's words hurt him and so they hurt you. 

You looked up to the brown-haired one and before you could say anything else he was the one talking "I think I've heard enough. I'm sorry Y/N, but I can't stand being here any longer. I will see you around." With that, Hinata turned on his heel to leave.... and you let him because you knew there was no point in stopping him. Besides, you felt just how much he wanted to get away from here so you didn't want to force him to stay any second longer. 

"Phew... the trash brought itself out, great!" You heard in a rather cheerful voice next to you and turned your head to look into Komaeda's brightly smiling face. 

Your brows furrowed "Just... What the fuck Komaeda?!"

"Huh? Are you mad?" he blinked with the utmost innocent expression as though he was sincerely surprised about your reaction. 

"Uh? You bet I am, what was this about? I never thought you could be that much of a... of an asshole!" And that was a fact. So far you only experienced Komaeda to be overly friendly with everyone but himself. But now you had to learn that this was only because you usually saw him surrounded by people with Ultimate Talents.  
So all that mattered to him about other people ... was talent? "If I was born without my Talent of Empathy, would you treat me just as poorly as you did with Hinata-kun just now?" you asked the burning question although you already knew the answer. He probably would. 

"That's unthinkable. There is no point in dwelling about whether you were born a different person. Fact is, you were born special. We wouldn't even have met otherwise." That sounded like he was just avoiding to answer your question. And his unbothered smile kind of pissed you off this time. 

"Point or not. We both know if I was just an average human being with an average sense of empathy, you would look down on me." You challenged. 

"It's not like I am looking down on Hinata-kun or any other ordinary person. I'm not feeling superior to people born without talent. I just don't want them meddling with talented people like yourself. Especially not in a way that doesn't benefit them."

"And how's that your choice to make? What if I like being around "ordinary" people like Hinata-kun? He's really nice, you didn't even give him a chance to get to know him. We get along, so what's wrong with that?" You furrowed your brows. 

"Y/N... that's like mixing oil with water." He looked at you with a stern face now and you were about to fucking snap. What was with this weird talent-supremacy type thinking? 

"Woah... you're like actually the worst." You finally hissed, surprising yourself at your harsh tone and weight of your words. You felt a sharp sting in your stomach. Those words you just said, they hit Komaeda were it hurt. Just like how his words were hurting Hinata. Maybe because you always preached about how Nagito shouldn't look at himself so lowly, and now you told him that he was the worst... it erased all the meaning of whenever you tried to make himself see as more than that.

"So you've finally accepted that I am... "

"I'm... That's not what I... Ugh, I need to think." You got up and brushed some dirt off your uniform before you looked at the white-haired one again. "If you wouldn't be talking to me if I didn't have this talent, then I want you to stop talking to me altogether. That's all." 

You didn't fix on Komaeda's expression but you knew he no longer put on a forced smile or an unbothered purse of his lips. Maybe, you hoped, your words would make him rethink his attitude, so you couldn't just go soft on him either if you wanted him to acknowledge why you thought the way he acted was wrong. 

From this day forward you didn't approach Nagito in class or in your breaks. He didn't approach you either. You would be lying if you said it didn't annoy you that he just accepted the loss of your friendship. Did he pick his bigoted type thinking over, what you thought, was to become a great friendship? You didn't want it to bother you as much as it did, but your mind was constantly getting back to that day in the park and if you should have done something different for things not to escalate in this direction. But then you reminded yourself that it wasn't your fault things turned this way. You didn't do anything wrong. It was right to tell Komaeda off from his wrong beliefs and stick up for Hinata. And it was right that you couldn't accept his friendship if the only reason Komaeda wanted to spend time with you was for your talent and not you as a person. 

Komaeda became even more of a loner since then. He barely sought out conversations with anyone of your class, in breaks he would leave the classroom to go whoknowswhere and returned when classes resumed just to stay on his seat and, seemingly, contently followed classes and watched your classmates. Sometimes you thought he was plotting something or doing something he shouldn't when he was away. Maybe it was just in your head, but you also noticed that he hadn't looked at you much in the past days. Usually, you would feel almost watched whenever he was around, but now he didn't pay much if any, attention to you at all.

It really shouldn't bother you. 

And you almost managed to brush it off. Until the day Komaeda suddenly stopped to show up to classes out of nowhere. No one heard of him or knew where he was. Even Yukizome-sensei had no idea and actually asked everyone in class if they knew something, but no one did. You realized how little you actually knew about someone, who you thought of as a friend, at this point. You didn't know where he lived and with whom he lived together. If he was taking the train, the bus or walk home on foot. If he came from a working-class household or a wealthy one. If he had siblings, pets, married or divorced parents, childhood friends... You really knew nothing. 

And you wouldn't get the chance to learn these things either. 

On this day ̵̻̈́í̷͔n̶̜̽ ̴̾ͅe̴̺͂a̴̪̓r̴̦͛l̵̖̉ȳ̴͇ ̶͕̈́s̶͍̋p̵̤̄r̴̭i̷̟͑n̵̕ͅg̵̮͗,̸͋ͅ, the body of a young ḧ̶̩́i̴͍͝g̶̪̈́h̸̬ ̷͙̃s̷̺̄c̸̯͒h̶̭̊o̶͙̒ǒ̴̩l̶͍̄ ̷̺̈́ student was found washed up from the stream close to H̵o̸p̴e̸'̸s̷ Peak academy bridge. Judging by the r̴o̴p̸e̸ ̶around his n̵e̵c̷k̷, the authorities determined it to be death by s̵u̷i̴c̵i̶d̷e̶.̴. Apparently he hung himself from the ̶b̵r̴i̷d̵g̷e̴,̷ the rope snapped, but he still ̸b̴r̴o̷k̶e̷ his neck before he fell into the stream and eventually was w̶a̵s̸h̴e̷d̸ ̴u̶p̵ between bushes where an old couple discovered his corpse as t̴h̸e̷y̴ ̴t̸o̷o̸k̶ ̷a̴ ̷w̴a̷l̴k̵.̴

T̶h̷e̷i̷r̴ ̵d̴a̸y̸ ̷w̶a̸s̷n̶'̸t̶ ̶t̵h̸e̶ ̵o̴n̸l̷y̸ ̴o̴n̴e̶ ̷b̵e̶i̸n̴g̷ ̵r̷u̶i̶n̸e̴d̶.̴ ̸

You looked at the phone i̸n̴ ̴y̷o̴u̷r̸ ̶h̵a̸n̶d̶.̸ Not a single tear. You couldn't cry a s̵i̵n̸g̷l̶e̸ ̶t̶e̷a̸r̶.̷. Not even after hearing from your t̸e̸a̸c̵h̶e̶r̶s̷ ̸a̴b̶o̴u̷t̵ the smudged m̷e̷s̴s̷a̴g̵e̴ ̴ written on the piece of paper K̵o̷m̸a̶e̸d̸a̴ had in his pocket. All it said was "I'm sorry I couldn't be u̴s̶e̴f̸u̴l̵.̸." This was his dying message. His ̵l̷a̷s̶t̴ ̶ words. Until his last breath, he felt̸ ̸u̷s̷e̸l̴e̷s̸s̶... And you couldn't help but feel like you h̸a̴d̶ ̸t̵h̴e̶ ̸ power to prevent this, yet y̷o̸u̷ ̸d̷i̷d̶n̴'̵t̸.̵ It should rip you apart for more r̸e̸s̶a̷o̸n̶s̴ than one. But all you felt was the l̸a̸c̸k̷ ̷o̶f̷ feelings, complete apathy. 

T̸̩̈́̃͒h̷̠̍͝i̷̻͌͂̆s̸̲͙̩̽̅̓ ̵͇̦͓̋͠w̴̼̞͚͂̂ȃ̶̼͇̤̅̚s̴̘̔ happening?

This wasn't a d̸͕̝̠̱̆̚͜ͅr̷̘̝̾̓̿̓̍̎e̸̟̝̮̋ă̶̛̮̱̭̈́̎̾͆̓m̴̹͔̰̀̂ͅ. 

And yet, all that came o̵u̸t̷ ̴o̷f̷ ̴y̵o̶u̷r̸ ̵l̸i̵p̶s̵ upon hearing the news was "Oh..." 

..

_**"... "** _

_**"These trials are not infinite. Seasons are changing."** _

_**" Y/N.** _

_**Komaeda-kun.** _

_**I believe in you."** _

....

_"Y/N... are you listening?"_

_You blinked and met Komaeda's glance with tired eyes. He looked at you with knitted brows, his hand was held out to you for some reason._

_He didn't wear his school uniform but his casual attire. It made him look edgier than he did in his uniform. The hooded, olive-coloured coat, the white t-shirt with a red swirl printed on it, the chain hanging from the belt loop of his black jeans, a small silver skull tangling from it. Somehow, you thought, this kind of outfit suited his personality better than the brown school uniform, the neatly fastened tie and the colour-blocked vest he always wore underneath. It was as though the school uniform fit this facade he usually put on, of this ever-smiling, overly friendly ultimate-fanboy. But the real, chaotic, strange, confusing and disturbed person he was on the deeper end, this outfit seemed to fit that side of Komaeda._

_"Why are we here?" You asked confused and looked around. This place... what was it? A seaside restaurant? It seemed oddly familiar but you didn't know why. Why were you here?_ _Why was Komaeda here?_

_"Eh, don't tell me. You're confused again? Did you hit your head? " The boy looked at you from worrying eyes._

_Your hand went to your head as though you had to check for yourself. Not that you'd find an answer. This was confusing. "I don't remember why we are here...or what's this place." Your voice almost came out as a whisper._

_"That's peculiar... Did you lose your memories again?"_

_Again?_

_"Did this happen before?" You asked but you felt like you knew the answer for some reason._

_"When we came here we all had issues remembering things from our past for some reason... but now, you forgetting the past few days also is strange...", the male mused, tapping his chin with his finger. "Maybe my words were that much of a shock to you, it made you go blank." he then deducted._

_"Your words?" You felt wary to even ask if they carried so much weight that they made you get amnesia apparently._

_"You don't remember that either? I asked you to kill me."_

_What?_

_"Y/N? You're not blanking out again are you?"_

_"Kill you? What are you talking about? Why would I do that?" This was a bad dream, right? Either that or Komaeda pulled a mean and highly elaborated prank._

_"I promised you. Did you forget that too? I will be your personal stepping stone." His eyes lit up which felt out of place, considering his words._

_"Stepping.... stone?"_

_"I developed the perfect plan, a murder that is literally impossible to solve through investigation or a trial. It's the only way I know how to be useful. It means you'll win the game, simultaneously end it and survive. This is for everyone's sake. It's to achieve greater hope I know only you can achieve Y/N!"_

_"The game? I still don't understand..." You held your head that started to feel like it was about to burst._

_"Hey.... shhh, take it easy for now, I'm sorry to pour all of this on you at once..." you felt Komaeda's hand on your cheek and when your eyes met he smiled gently at you. His free hand softly brushed your hair as he tilted his head to the side. "I know it's a lot, but I want you to think about it again."_

_"I would never kill ... you." You heard yourself whisper but it somehow felt like it didn't come from your own lips. Your head still hurt but you found a bit of ease under Komaeda's touch._

_"If you really love me, you will." Komaeda now whispered and your eyes widened._

_Love him?_

_Your eyes remained wide open when you suddenly felt the boys lips on your own.  
  
_ _What.  
Was.  
Happening? _

_His lips were soft and cold and literally took your breath away as you found yourself deprived of air. Your heart pounded so strong it was as though it was willing to break through your chest. His fingers tracing your jawline started to feel hot on your skin but the weirdest thing was that you didn't even try to push the male away. Instead, your eyes started to close and a small, content sigh escaped your lips as Komaeda was gently nipping your bottom lip between his own._

_More.  
You wanted to feel his lips more.   
You needed to know that he was here with you.  
_

_You started to feel lonely as soon as he pulled back just a little and before you knew it you caught his lips with yours again, desperate for more your hands grasped both sides of his coat to pull him back._

_"Y/N..." Nagito gasped against your lips but also kissed you back just as eagerly. The next time you parted your lips for air his tongue met yours and it was your turn to softly gasp before giving him complete control of the kiss. You enjoyed the sensation of his tongue intertwining with yours, the minty taste on the tip of your tongue and feeling the soft puffs of air against your lips with every new breath Komaeda took._

_And that's when it hit you. This didn't feel new. This felt familiar, painfully so. What was this feeling? It was between remembering and forgetting. You knew, yet you had no idea. Familiarity and the unknown._

_You suddenly pulled away from the kiss. Komaeda looked at you, silently questioning, his eyes seemed to seek an answer in yours as you reached to trace his lips with your thumb. Your voice was merely a whisper_ _"Komaeda-kun... what are we in this world?"_

_"This world?" He asked but without any confusion in his tone, neither did it seem as if he was seeking an answer to this question. Instead, he grabbed your hand to nuzzle softly into your palm, closing his eyes. "You're my greatest hope and I am yours to use, as my heart and soul are entirely in your possession." He brought your hand to cup his cheek and opened his eyes again to look at you with the softest smile you've ever seen on him "So... use me. I'm giving you my life and I need you to take it."_

_..._

_"_ Y/N! Hooooi, Y/N!"

You snapped back into reality and looked into a pair of shining pink eyes. You were completely thrown for a loop. This was... the park? In front of you was Ibuki who was holding a skewer with meat on it for some reason. 

"Are you fast asleep or what?" The black-haired girl tilted her head with a pucker of her lips. "We're all done! You better hurry and get a plate of food before Akane ate all of it." 

"I'm sorry... I must have passed out." You stretched and looked around. Everyone was here, the entire class. It smelled of smoked meat. Barbeque? When did your class come here to the park to have a barbeque? Your mind was a jumbled mess, you couldn't remember anything that happened since... You didn't even know since when. There were holes in your memory, that's all you were aware of. And this weird dream you were having before you snapped back into the here and now... The dream with Komaeda-kun in this seaside restaurant.

Your eyes darted over to Komaeda who was sitting by himself on a tree stump while nipping on a piece of meat on a skewer as well. Your heart jumped, although you weren't sure why. This situation seemed familiar. You quickly noticed a big bandaid on his hand holding the skewer and suddenly it dawned on you. You've seen this exact picture before, no doubt. Were you still dreaming? Or maybe it was a deja vu. 

"Here!" You suddenly were handed a plate with meat and grilled vegetables on it by Mahiro who smiled gently at you. "I was able to save a plate for you before it's too late. Our classmates are beasts who won't leave anything to eat if we're not fast enough." 

"Thank you." You smiled back at her as you took the plate from her hands. You still felt tired and confused but you did your best not to show it.

"Don't you want to come to sit with us?" She pointed towards a crowded picnic table that where all the girls of your class had gathered, but also Kazuichi who sat so close to Sonia that her elbow kept hitting him in the side, probably a little on purpose, but which didn't seem to bother him one bit. _That... again?_

"It's okay, we will send Soda away so there's space for you," Mahiro said with a feisty grin while punching her palm as if she noticed you looking at them. 

"Actually... I promised Komaeda-kun I will sit with him. Sorry." You said like rehearsed because it felt like these were the exact words you were supposed to reply. The girl seemed a tad disappointed but still nodded. 

"Alright. Don't let him keep you for too long and join us later, okay?" _You knew she would say exactly that._ With that, she turned to join the girls at the table and as expected, pulled at the back of Kazuichi's collar to get him away from Sonia while the boy loudly protested.

Komaeda.. you had to ask him some things! 

You felt uncharacteristically nervous as you approached the white-haired male, but you refused to let that stop you as you sat down on the small space of the tree stump next to him, resting the plate on your lap. 

"You're not going to join the others?" The boy asked surprised, turning towards you. When his eyes met yours you felt a chill run down your spine for some reason. You couldn't shake off these memories ...of your dream just then, it felt so real. You could still perfectly remember the feeling of his lips against yours. Even his scent was still clinging in your nose from when you were so close in your dream. Even now, as you sat next to him and the soft breeze made you aware of the scent of laundry detergent coming from him, it was that exact scent you smelled threefold in whatever that weird dream of yours was. You almost felt guilty... as if you had a one-sided experience with Komaeda without him knowing. 

But that wasn't important right now. What was... 

"Komaeda-kun, The bandaid on your hand... what happened?" 

He laughed but also raised a confused brow. "Are you asking me now? It was you who patched me up you know." 

"You cut onions and your hand slipped because I surprised you. Is that it?" You kept asking although you knew the answer. 

"Hm? What's this? Are you testing my memory or your own?" He now looked sincerely puzzled as he scratched his cheek. 

"Do you ... Uhm do you know a student called Hinata-kun?" you asked this time, seemingly confusing him just even more. You weren't quite sure yourself what you were trying to figure out. Which of your jumbled mess of memories were real and which were not, probably. But it was certainly a weird way to go about. 

"I'm not sure I heard the name before... He's a student at Hope's Peak?" 

"He's a.... reserve course student." 

Komaeda's eyes darkened. "I don't mess with reserve course students." he spat coldly. 

So that didn't change. Komaeda was still put off by the concept of the reserve course department. Actually, nothing really changed. This day definitely happened before, but the day you and Komaeda met Hinata-kun at the park, did not happen? How was this possible?

"Komaeda-kun, when I say some words... uh phrases, can you tell me if they ring a bell? I need to figure something out." You kept investigating because you still had a hard time wrapping your mind around what was happening. And you felt like you were starting to blur reality and dreams, therefore you needed to make sure to sort out situations into which category they belonged. 

"Uhm sure. But are you alright not spending time with the others instead?" 

"It's fine. So can I start?"

"Sure, go ahead. Sounds kind of fun." He put his plate aside and rubbed his hand as if to expect a fun game. 

"Alright so... _What is that ultimate talent of yours? I hope it’s not super high school level self-deprecation."_

Komaeda chuckled. "You said that to me on the first day we met, and it might as well be. Feels kind of nostalgic already." 

" _You know, Ultimates make mistakes too._ " You kept going without missing a beat. 

"That's what you said to shut me down. Hate to admit it worked." 

_"You, yourself are a precious being as well._ " You kept going and felt embarrassed to repeat the words that made you feel embarrassed already the first time you said them. 

"That's what you said earlier... I wouldn't forget such wonderful words." He replied this time. 

Earlier, huh? It all came together as you thought. 

" _You must be popular._ "

"Huh, me?" 

"You don't remember me saying something like that?" 

"Not at all, I wouldn't forget if you did." He waved his hand in front of him, a sheepish smile on his face. 

"Then how about _"If I was just an average human being with an average sense of empathy, you would look down on me."_

"Huh, that's a strange thing to bring up..." he now scratched his head with a puzzled expression.

"So you never heard me say it then?"

"Of course not. I would hate to hear you say that." he nervously laughed. 

So you could definitely rule out that the fight you two had in the park happened. Maybe this was also just a dream? But something about that seemed off. Even earlier as you brought up Hinata-kun, Nagito's reaction was similarly cold to that time in the park. So there was some substance to his disdain for "ordinary" people from the reserve course. Really what was happening? 

"You've got more of those, they are kind of fun. Like a quiz on our friendship." Komaeda looked at you from big eyes. He actually had fun, he really was a weird one. 

"Then... let's see..." You thought. Should you try with something from that weird dream you had? It wouldn't hurt, right? " _Komaeda-kun... what are we in this world?"_

"This world?" He asked but without any confusion in his tone, neither did it seem as if he was seeking an answer to this question.

Your eyes widened. That was the exact reply, the exact tone from your dream earlier. Although this could be passed off as a coincidence. People would probably reply by questioning your wording of bringing up "this world". But it was mostly his tone that made this seem like less a coincidence. This unbothered way of questioning you without actually seeking an explanation. 

"We are what we want to be. In this world, we can be anything, right?" That was definitely different from your dream. A lot different. 

Maybe you just imagined things.

Maybe you were tired. 

"As long as I can be useful though. That's it." Komaeda added then to his earlier statement and suddenly you felt a sharp sting to your stomach and high pitched ringing in your ear. _Useful..._ You suddenly found yourself short of breath. _I̵̯͒I̴'̵m̷ ̷s̶o̶r̷r̶y̴ i̶-̵o̵-̴l̶d̸-̵ ̶b̷-̴ ̶u̶s̷e̷f̸u̸l̴..._ A memory, another memory tried to sneak itself into your mind but it was as though your whole body blocked it off with all its might. 

"Y/N? Are you alright? You look pale". You felt Komaeda's hand on your back and it calmed you down again at least enough to focus and meet his gaze. His touch was so simple, yet so calming. You immediately were able to breathe again. The white-haired boy looked at you with knitted brows, he probably thought you were the weird one now. Maybe you were. 

"I... I'm fine..." You actually felt fine... although it felt like you were having a panic attack just seconds before. 

"You don't look fine. Either way, don't push yourself. You don't need to worry too much if you remember things that didn't happen. It's not unheard of to confuse dreams with reality," he eventually said to comfort you. 

"It's unheard of to me. This never happened to me before. So why all of a sudden..." You retorted. But there was something these vivid dreams had in common. And you only realized that now. They all were about Komaeda. Maybe there was an underlying reason you felt drawn to him from the start, something else than him being slightly strange and your inability to truly understand Komaeda despite your super high school level Empathy. There must have been something else that connected you, something that was outside of the realm of your comprehension at this point.

"What are we, in this world, really?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Stay safe bby's! Hope your loved ones are well too!


	3. shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all. 
> 
> Sorry once again for the slow updates. I've been meaning to post this ages ago, but I kept being unhappy with how I ended this chapter until I kept editing one hundred times until I was satisfied lol. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was a cloudy morning. Something gloom was hanging in the air, the cold breeze causing you to shiver as you pulled your sleeves lower to cover your cold hands. You walked across the bridge that led to Hope’s Peak Academy but as you arrived around half-way to the end of the bridge your feet stopped.

“Hm?” The loud sound of water splashing below piqued your curiosity. You turned to hold onto the rail, slightly leaning forward to look down. The stream was noisy today, maybe because it rained yesterday there was just more water to go around.

You walked a few steps to the side, your hands gliding across the railing and your eyes still focused on the stream and watched as a big branch washed down, getting stuck for a second before turning eighty degrees and then continuing its journey under the bridge. For no reason whatsoever you ran onto the other side to watch it being flushed out from the other side before it ended up being caught once again, this time on the side of the stream between some bushes. You blinked when you felt something under your fingertips and looked down to notice a fairly thick rope that was fastened onto the railing.

Your heart leaped, you couldn’t explain it but you suddenly felt unease wash over your body as you hurriedly pulled on the rope until you saw the torn end.

“What’s interesting down there?” You jumped at the sudden voice behind you and turned around.

Smiling at you, was Komaeda.

“You startled me!” was your first response but for some reason, your unsettled heart wrapped itself into a veil of relief. “Nothing, actually. But the stream is loud today.” you then said and let the end of the rope fall again to leave it hanging how it was before you meddled with it.

The boy chuckled and looked down as well “Well there was a heavy rainfall yesterday… Huh? What’s this?.” He now also noticed the rope and investigated it.

"Beats me. I also wondered about it," you answered with a shrug.

“Do you think someone hung himself from here?”

“What? Why would you come to that sinister conclusion?” you asked. Your heart was beating fast again. You weren’t entirely sure why the thought unsettled you so strongly. Well, maybe it was normal to be unsettled by the idea of someone committing suicide here.

“Well, that rope is just about the right thickness to use to hang yourself. It looks like the kind that would allow one to tie a good noose. Plus, you see how it’s torn? That’s ideal. If I was to hang myself, I would hope that to happen, so my body would be washed away from the immediate scene. Like that it would have people guess about whether it was suicide or a homicide once they discovered my body. That would make the whole case more interesting and my death would at least be meaningful to ignite an investigation, don’t you think?”

“Just… what the hell are you even thinking about this early in the morning? Where do you get these ideas from?” You asked now.

The boy laughed “Watched too many true crime documentaries, I guess?”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t if they make you think such twisted thoughts,” you muttered and massaged your temples with your fingers.

“Got a headache?” the male now asked and you nodded slightly.

“Yeah… since earlier. Something is unsettling about this bridge and the loud sound of the stream I guess.” you admitted. “Maybe it’s also the weather…”

“Well, in this case. Let’s keep walking.”

It was a day not any different than the past weeks had played out. You went to school every day, Komaeda and you spent a lot of your afternoons together and even at school, you were often inseparable. Sometimes you were still thinking back at the odd days some weeks back where you were almost convinced you had traveled through time or something. As normality returned to your daily life, you passed it off as a weird string of coincidences and déjà vu's. Especially because the past few weeks after that didn’t feel like you’d be repeating situations you’ve already lived through.

Yet, in the back of your mind, you couldn’t completely shake it off… the feeling that it meant something. That argument in the park, which you thought you remembered so clearly, that led to you and Komaeda falling out. It never took place and you did your best to avoid anything like that from happening. So even when you and Nagito spent time together and you spotted Hinata from afar, you did not call out to the boy. Which didn’t mean you didn’t spend time with the reserve-course student also, just not when Komaeda was around. You didn't want to find out if that dark side of Komaeda, who judged people only based on their talents was the real him. Or maybe you were unwilling to accept it was, although you had a feeling that it was true. 

It was probably silly but you were afraid that everything you thought you might have just dreamed up, was a reality after all. Mostly, you didn’t want to find out if things would go the same way if you found yourself in that same situation. There was something within you that did everything in your power to preserve the friendship you built with Komaeda. It wasn’t just because he grew on you, it felt deeper than that.

“Look who’s here, joined at the hip like always! Give it up for Y/N and Komaeda!” Ibuki greeted as you two entered the classroom, her usual cheerful voice echoing as she pretended to be a performer on stage cheering on her audience. Part of you wanted to justify that the only reason you showed up together was because you met by chance on your way to school. But why did it matter? You didn’t hate being seen as an inseparable team. Komaeda had become an important part of your life and there was nothing wrong with that, was there?

“Hey hey Y/N, can we go through yesterday’s homework together? I am unsure if I did it right.” now asked Kazuichi who popped up by your side.

“Y/N, I’m in charge of giving out tasks for the classroom-cleaning this week, if you have a few minutes can you help me with the organization?” Fuyuhiko asked on your other side.

“Y/N what’s in your bento today? Can we have lunch together later?” Akane tugged on your right arm.

Before you knew it you were surrounded by a bunch of classmates. This wasn’t new. Though some days it was more extreme than on others and you felt a little overwhelmed by all the attention you got from your friends. As you tried to give everyone their answers you glanced over at Nagito who smiled at you before he went to sit down at his desk. That’s usually what he did, he would leave you to the other’s when you were surrounded because he felt like he had no business being with everyone.

Yet, with open arms, he had accepted your friendship. Sometimes you wondered what was different about the way he viewed you to the way he viewed the rest of your class. Maybe it was just because you were so willing to spend time with him, that he just accepted it because he didn’t feel like he was in the position to reject you. Thinking about it like that actually didn’t seem like a good thing. You hoped he truly liked you, rather than him just being too polite to reject you.

What were you thinking about again, anyway? Lately, your mind had been going back to thinking about your strange friend way too much.

Either way, another day went like most days before. Chaotic, mostly. Because that’s how your class was. But also fun, fulfilling and another day you felt blessed to have gotten the opportunity to study at Hope’s Peak.

When the bells rang to announce the end of the school day, you were a little bummed that another day was over in, what felt, like a blink of an eye. But as you prepared to leave by packing your books into your bag, Yukizome-sensei suddenly popped up by your side. “I’m sorry to have to bother you with this, but I’m having a faculty meeting. Could I ask you for a favor to copy-print these assignments for the class? Or we won’t have any material for tomorrow’s lesson.” she held a stack of papers towards you.

“Uhm… sure, no problem.” you took the papers from her.

“Thank you, you’re an angel. I knew I can count on you! If you’re done, just place the copies on my desk.” she smiled brightly and tapped your head before she already turned on her heel to leave the classroom in a rush. As always, way too casual, way too gleeful. Your teacher was strange, not like any teacher you ever had before but you liked her. 

Better get it over with. It was quite the stack of papers, you had to copy-print each one of them? Well, it wasn’t like you had anything important to do, so you grabbed your bag, threw it over your shoulder and then left the classroom to march to the copy-room.

It was a tedious job to get copies for the whole class of each of these pages and the copy machine wasn’t exactly the fastest working one. So you found yourself, upper body lazily draped across the machine as you watched it spitting out one copy after the other, now and then a yawn escaped your lips. Outside of the room it steadily became quieter. Earlier you had still heard students and faculty members walking by, but as a good hour passed you didn’t even hear footsteps anymore.

“And, the last one…… done!” you celebrated for yourself as the printer spat out the last piece of copy. After sorting the copies all into a stack, you grabbed them to leave the place and return to the classroom so you could place them on the teacher’s desk as requested. The halls were really quiet now, eerily quiet. You never were this late at school. Everyone finished their classes for today, so naturally, no one was lingering here. You didn’t like how the empty halls made you feel vulnerable so you quickened your walking pace to the classroom. Once arrived you left the papers on the desk, diligent as you were, sorted them by assignments into small stacks. As you placed the last stack of papers down you suddenly heard a loud slamming sound outside the classroom, causing you to startle, then freeze.

“What was that?” you whispered to yourself but it kinda sounded like someone slammed a door shut nearby so that was probably the answer. As close as it sounded it was possibly even the classroom right next to yours. You weren’t someone to scare easily, but you couldn’t deny feeling some discomfort. What didn’t make it better was when suddenly all the lights went out at the same time. Startled by that, you looked around and up at the diminished ceiling light. 

_A blackout?_

There was hardly any light coming through the windows because it was a cloudy day and almost evening so it was pretty dark in the room. You heard another sound, this time it was more of clacking, similar to the sound it would make if someone would furiously try to turn a switch on and off over and over.

“Is someone there?” you called, which made the clacking sound stop... but no one responded so you called out again “Hello?” Nothing. You decided to just screw it and get the hell out of here as fast as possible, so you grabbed your bag and left the room.

The hallway was even darker than the classroom. You never before realized the lack of windows in the halls until now. You could only see faint streaks of lights coming from different classrooms but it was enough to orient you to where to go. You were about halfway down the hall when you heard something behind you. This time, it was clearly the sound of footsteps. Quickly you turned around, but you couldn’t see anyone. Yet you could still hear the footsteps, they sounded like they slowly approached from down the hall. _Clack ... clack... clack…_ they definitely came closer.

“If someone is there, please say something.” your voice trembled. You kept peering into the direction you thought you heard the footsteps from, focusing your gaze down the hall, your hand rummaging through your bag to see if you could find something you could use as a weapon in case of an attack. When you were unsuccessful to find anything you decided to just screw it and run, thus you turned around again to continue towards the exit, but the second you turned around you spotted a silhouette at the end of the hallway…

Someone was just… standing there in the dark. It near-almost gave you a heart attack. At least the sound of the footsteps behind you had abruptly stopped. It still made you feel vulnerable turning your back to the direction they had come from earlier, thus you felt shivers down your back, every fiber of your being wanting to look over your shoulder to make sure no one was there but couldn't shift your gaze away from the figure in the dark. 

“Who is this?” you called out, feeling your voice crack out of fear. You couldn’t remember if you were ever actually scared like that. But the person didn’t respond. Neither did they move. They still just stood there. There wasn't exactly a threatening aura coming from the shadow but they also didn't seem like a friendly bystander either. You felt another round of chills run down your spine and still… you didn’t know where you found the courage or what would prompt you to do so as you approached the dark figure, walking towards it with slow steps. The closer you got, the heavier your legs felt. The figure still didn’t move.

Eventually, you were close enough to get a good look at their face.

“Hinata-kun..?” you asked.

The person in front of you without a doubt resembled Hinata. And yet, it felt like it was not him. Every particle of your conscience seemed to scream that this was not your friend. His energy felt different, now that you were so close, almost menacing even though his expression didn’t show anything threatening. Actually, there wasn’t an expression. He looked empty. Almost as though looking through you. And then you realized his eyes, they almost seemed to illuminate red light.

“Yₒu’ᵣₑ ₙₒₜ sᵤₚₚₒₛₑd ₜₒ bₑ ₕₑrₑ.” eventually answered the strange person, his voice also, it was undoubtedly Hinata’s. Just colder, detached but also… there was something static about it. As though you heard it filtered through an old record player. Everything about him made you feel like he was an illusion rather than an actual physical being. It seemed as though if you were stretch out your arm to touch him, it would possibly go right through him. But you didn’t dare to try.

“What do you mean, what is happening?” you carefully asked, lips dry as your throat, the words barely came out in a coherent sentence.

“Tₕᵢₛ ᵢₛ ₘₑᵣₑₗy, bᵤₜ ₐ tₑcₕₙᵢcₐₗ ₑᵣᵣₒᵣ,” he replied in the same monotone voice.

“A technical error?” you repeated but then flinched and covered your ears as you suddenly heard a high-pitched ringing sound in both ears. It was similar to the one you experienced before at the barbeque just way more intense. So intense that you buried your whole head between your arms in an attempt to make it stop but that just made it worse as though the sound came from within you rather than from around you. "Make it stop!" you pleaded but your words were drowned out by the loud ringing, you couldn't even hear your own screams. 

▂▂▂▂▃▃▃▃▅▅▅▅▇▇▇▇████▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒░░░░

01001001 01110100 11100010 10000000 10011001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110000 01100001 01110010 01110100 00001010 00001010 01001001 00100111 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100000 01100001 01110000 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110101 01101110 01110100 01101001 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100100 01110010 01101111 01110000 00100000 01110100 01110010 01101001 01100011 01101011 01101100 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110111 01100101 01110100 01110011 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101100 01101001 01110000 01110011 00001010 00001010 01010100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01110111 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01100001 01110010 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01100001 01110101 01110011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01101100 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101100 01101001 01100101 01100110 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01110010 01110101 01100101 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100111 01100101 00100000 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110010 01100101 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01101111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101000 01101111 01101001 01100011 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101001 01110110 01100101 01101110 00100000 00001010 00001010 01010111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01110000 01100001 01101001 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100101 00101100 00100000 00001010 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101111 01100110 01100110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01110000 01110101 01101100 01110011 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110010 01101001 01101100 01101100 01101001 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 00001010

░░░░▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓████▇▇▇▇▅▅▅▅▃▃▃▃▂▂▂▂

Finally... as you thought you were about to pass out, the ringing in your ears faded out and eventually stopped completely as the lights around you went back on. Carefully and shaking from head to toe you raised your head and let your arms fall. In front of you was… nobody. You reached out where the strange person was standing earlier to touch the cold air and then eventually felt all the strength leave your body as you sank onto your knees.

What was that? Hinata… he was just here, now he was gone. No… this wasn’t Hinata, was it?

“Y/N?” your heart jumped at the familiar voice behind you.

“Komaeda-kun…” you merely whispered and felt something wet coating your cheeks. Were you crying?

“Y/N, are you okay?” the male crouched down beside you, looking at you from worrying eyes. His hand reached out to you to touch your wet cheek.

“Komaeda-kun, I was so scared!” you eventually let out a sob and fell into the other’s arms almost knocking him down in the process but he was able to brace himself against the wall as he put his arms around you for support. Wrapped tightly into his embrace you could finally feel a sense of comfort coming back to you.

“It’s alright, I've got you. I’m here…” you heard him whisper, feeling his breath brush your hair, his arms around you tightened the hold. It felt warm, familiar, relieving all the stress you felt before.

“Please… don’t leave me alone anymore.. promise.” you sobbed into his chest, your tears dampening the fabric of his shirt. You didn’t quite understand where these words of yours came from. You just felt like deep inside, something was telling you that if you wouldn’t keep a tight grip on Komaeda you’d lose him… and that possibly you lost him countless times before.

“I promise… I’m not going anywhere,” he responded in a soft voice and you felt his lips brush your hair as he planted a small kiss. You could finally breathe again.

…...  
….  
...

“Here, the only hot drink the vending machine had was this tea, I hope that’s okay.” Komaeda held a can towards you as you sat on the park bench. You felt a little embarrassed about earlier but Nagito was acting like always, as though the scene you had caused in the hallway didn’t happen.

You took the drink from him with a shallow smile “Thank you.” Then you wrapped your cold fingers around the warm can, allowing them to regain some normal temperature for a second before opening the hot drink to take a careful sip. The hot drink warmed your stomach from within immediately and helped you feel more relaxed.

“Also look, someone left their change in the coin slot so I am fifty yen richer now.” he then bragged cheerfully while showing you the coin in his hand.

“Your luck strikes again. Fifty-yen coins are said to be an omen for good luck too,” you replied, trying to offer him a smile. 

“Hm, is that so?” he asked while sitting down next to you, then holding the coin towards you “Then I give it to you, I don’t really need any more good luck.”

You looked at your hand as he placed the coin into your palm then closed your fist around it. The coin felt cold in your palm. Overall, it’s been getting colder, because it was already dark outside and it was still early spring. That’s also why Komaeda had insisted on getting you a hot drink from the vending machine that usually stocked those.

“So… do you want to talk about what happened back there?” Komaeda then asked into the silence and you looked at him after pocketing the coin.

“I’m not sure either what happened…” you mumbled looking down at the drink in your hands. How would you even explain the situation? You saw a ghost with Hinata’s face?

“You were shaking, I never saw you like that, it... worried me.” the boy now said. You could see why it was unsettling to see you like that. You were usually composed. You crying? You trembling in fear?… It wasn’t just that Nagito saw you like that for the first time, you couldn’t even remember if you experienced yourself like this before. None of that was… normal.

“All I know is when the blackout happened—”

The boy interrupted you “Blackout? What blackout?”

“In school, suddenly all the lights went off.”

“I was in the school the whole time, I was waiting for you in the main hall, there was no blackout…” he carefully responded as though he didn’t want to freak you out.

Unsuccessful so, because as soon as he said it you dropped the can in your hands out of terror of what you heard, the liquid of the toppled over can running down the concrete leaving a dark trail. Another delusion? No. This was impossible. You experienced it, it was so real. “I… the lights were out! The hallway was so dark I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I heard doors slam and footsteps and kept asking if someone was there but no one answered. Then.. then there was this… person, he… he didn’t move, he just stood there in the dark and looked at me...and and…then he said something… he said… he..” _What was it again?_ Your memory was a jumbled mess again. There was something weird he said but you couldn’t remember anymore, although it should be in your mind clear as day from how strange it was and it only just happened.

“Shh, it’s okay. Try to calm down, you’re hyperventilating.” You felt Komaeda's hand on your back and leaned into it to feel more of his presence, it calmed you down. Like that time in the park, a simple touch by your friend was enough to return you to your senses. You couldn't remember when his presence became your sanctuary but somewhere along the way, it happened. 

“I don’t know what’s going on… I feel like I am stuck between realities…today wasn’t the first time either, I keep experiencing weird memory mix-ups between dream and reality. I can’t explain it but it’s as though I am in a virtual world that’s glitching out.” You tried to explain, but it was harder than you thought. You didn’t know how to put it because you couldn’t find a good description of how it felt.

“Have you been sleeping properly?” Komaeda asked, his brows furrowed.

“I… well... ...I .. “ You tried to think, but for some reason, you couldn’t remember last night or the nights before that for that matter. "...I don’t know…" Your head started hurting again as you tried to find any hint of recollection from the past few nights. What was this feeling? It felt as though you were chasing your own memories in your head but every time you felt like you were close to getting a grasp on them, they slipped through your fingers. Was this a sign of early dementia? You felt yourself panic from the thought that you might possibly, really be losing your mind.

“Am I going insane?” You asked.

To that you felt the male’s hand on your hair, gently stroking it as he smiled at you “Don’t worry, you’re probably just stressed. School life has been a lot lately, all these exams and there are always people around you who seem to ask a lot of things of you.”

“It’s not stress… I don’t /get stressed/.” You snapped back without meaning to sound so harsh. But it was true, you didn’t stress about these kinds of trivial things. You never had issues with exams or if many people relied on you. It was one of your strong points to juggle a lot of things at once. You enjoyed always having something to do, people trusting you with different tasks and all that came with it. “I don’t get riled up either, or scared or confused…this isn’t like me,” you added more calmly after that.

“Y/N…?” he now looked you straight in the eyes, his gaze locked as if he was trying to look right into your soul.

“Don’t give in to despair...”

**_Despair…_ **

_You found yourself kneeling in a warehouse, the air felt humid and it smelled of chemicals and smoke. In front of you a lifeless body… no, not just any lifeless body._

_“Komaeda-kun… ?” Your voice was merely a whisper, you swallowed and felt the urge to throw up, but you just about could avoid it._

_“We were too late…” you heard a voice behind you, but it sounded far away. This voice… Was this Hinata speaking? You didn’t turn around to confirm, instead, your eyes kept focusing on the body in front of you._

_It was a bloody massacre. Nothing like you’ve ever seen before or should ever have to see. There were stab wounds all over his thighs, his arm, a knife that was jammed into his palm, pinning his right hand to the ground. His body was spread out with ropes fastened on his ankles and wrists. His abdomen was impaled by a long, medieval-looking spear. His mouth duct-taped so no one would hear his screams of pain... there was pure terror in his lifeless eyes, mirroring the absolute horror he must have gone through in his last living moments._

_Who… who would do something cruel like that? Was there anyone who hated Komaeda this much?_

_“Nagito…? Hey… can you hear me?” You reached out to touch his cold face… It was damp and... so cold. You never felt skin feel this cold before as though the blood in his veins had turned to ice. What point was there in your delusion? He was dead, yet it felt like once you accepted it you’d lose, and you weren’t about to give up the little remaining hope you were so desperately clinging to. Komaeda wouldn't want you to give up hope. So you reached to remove the duct tape from his lips and leaned in to confirm that you couldn't hear or feel the sign of a breath coming from his gaping mouth. Next, you put your hands on his chest and started doing compressions, you didn't know why you did any of that. It was so blatantly obvious that it was too late to save him._

_Then suddenly a hand around your wrist stopped you._

_“Y/N… It’s too late... I know it’s hard but there is no way to save him anymore.”_

_You looked at the person next to you. It was Chiaki. She looked at you through pained eyes. Though she was always calm, you could even see in her expression that she experienced absolute horror upon seeing the state of Komaeda’s body in front of them._

_̷I̴'̸m̴ ̴g̶i̶v̷i̷n̴g̸ ̷y̶o̷u̶ ̵m̵y̴ ̷l̴i̷f̸e̶ ̵_

No.. This is all wrong.

_a̶n̸d̸ ̷I̸ ̴n̶e̴e̴d̴ ̶y̷o̷u̸ ̴t̸o̶ ̶t̸a̶k̴e̴ ̵i̷t̶.̸_

But that’s all wrong.

_“He promised.” you heard your own voice but it sounded like it was coming from far away. “He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone anymore…” Your vision went blurry._

_“Don’t give in to despair….”_

**“** **.** _.. bec_ ause **”**

“... you’re my biggest hope.”

**_... Hope._ **

“Nagito…” your vision was blurry, you blinked causing a teardrop to fall from your lashes. You looked back at the boy while reaching out to touch his face. His cheeks felt cold as your fingers traced them but not the kind of cold that felt like his blood was frozen. He was here with you. He was alive.

He smiled gently at you “You’re going to make me blush, calling me by my first name like that.”

“Promise… that you won’t leave me alone…” you pleaded and he looked confused at the change of topic, but his smile didn’t fade. He also didn’t question why you made the same plea again as you did earlier when he found you.

“I promise.” Was all he said and with that, you closed the gap between you two. It was as though you weren’t in control of yourself, yet it came from somewhere within you when you claimed his lips with your own.

Nagito didn’t seem surprised or thrown off, on the contrary, you felt his arms wrap around your waist tightly as he returned the kiss, gently yet longing, it filled you again with a sense of familiarity that also, somewhere from within felt painful. When did you become capable of these emotions in the first place? Now they seemed to overwhelm you.

Fear, sadness, yearning, comfort, ache, desire... love.

Since the day you met, you always had a hunch that if anyone was capable of awakening feelings inside you, it was Komaeda. But you didn’t imagine it to arrive like this, hitting you so strongly, so fast, so seemingly out of nowhere.

“Wait..” you suddenly heard the male’s voice muffled against your lips before he pulled away from the kiss “Wait… I got carried away but this…. this isn’t right.” he said and you felt a sharp sting in your chest.

You weren’t sure if you could handle rejection right now.

“I’m not supposed to gain from this.” he then added as his hands also let go of you, you felt empty again as soon as his touch was slipping away from you. “I’m sorry, Y/N… I shouldn’t have done this. I got too comfortable and for a second I pretended to be worthy enough to accept your feelings and respond to them. But I’m not… “

“Please don’t say another word…” you interrupted him, you did not have the strength to hear any more of his self-hatred. Not when you just realized how precious he really was to you. Though, you realized, as cliche as it sounded but there was probably some merit to the saying “You can’t love anyone else before you learn to love yourself.” Was Komaeda capable of reciprocating your feelings in the first place? 

"I'm sorry, if you want to use me to ignite hope then that's fine but I have to make a conscious effort to not let it get to my head," he then chuckled in a manner that was too unfitting to the situation. There was nothing lighthearted or funny about his words or the overall state of affairs. 

"Use you? Are you stupid?!" you eventually just snapped. Of course, he wasn't stupid. He was the smartest person you knew. And yet, he always said moronic things like these, oblivious of the fact that they would upset you. "I don't want to _use you_. I want to be with you! But only if you feel the same way and not just do it because you want to be useful to me. I don't just want you to make me happy, I want to make you happy too! My feelings are worth nothing if you refuse to let them reach you because you don't feel deserving of them." 

And then you suddenly felt his lips against yours again. For a second you wondered if you should push him away because you couldn't possibly know if that meant he accepted your feelings or if he just did what he felt you wanted from him. But your desire won over that inner voice of uncertainty as you closed your eyes, gave in to the kiss and allowed his arms around your waist to pull you closer. Before you knew it your arms wrapped around his neck, one of your hands running up to glide your fingers through his ridiculously soft hair. You were seeking more of him, more of his breath syncing with yours, more of his touch, more of the sweet familiar taste of his lips. You suddenly didn't feel like yourself anymore... no, that was wrong. It felt like yourself, just like a you from another world... a version of you that was used to doing these things with Komaeda.

_"I found you..."_

That familiar feeling you felt in your dream at the seaside restaurant, but threefold.

_"But if you love me... "_

You started to become dizzy by the confusion of this existence of another conscious within you but you didn't want this feeling to stop. It seemed like you would find an answer if you held onto it for longer.

_"... you will kill me."_

"No!" you suddenly pulled away from the kiss. No, whatever it was, you didn't want to remember, you didn't want to go back there. That part of your consciousness felt threatening now. Your body was trembling again and Komaeda who had looked at you from surprised eyes at first gently reached out to you to cup your cheek with his hand. 

"Shhh... It's okay. We are here now." he whispered. 

_We are here now?_ There was something off about this wording. 

"Are we... really here?" you asked almost inaudible. 

Komaeda smiled and leaned his forehead against yours, his fingers tracing your cheek. "Do you want to wake up?" he then asked and although these words should confuse you there was an answer within you as though you were waiting to be confronted with this question.

This other part of your conscious taking over as you quietly responded. "I can't... not yet." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading up to here!
> 
> This is just a little heads up that this fic is halfway finished. I am guessing 2 more chapters, at most 3 if I wanna add a sort of "after story". This is just an approximate guess from the rest I have planned and how to wrap up this fic, could be more could be less. But I figured I would give this estimate. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading up to here. 
> 
> That's all, all stay safe, healthy and take care! See you around, hopefully!


End file.
